“I’m always amused when I view the youth baseball program each season. We’re almost through another season and one scenario continues to repeat itself. It includes the super intense coach with the whistle and clipboard striding the baselines kicking dirt and baiting umpires.
Coach Smutz never quite made it himself and he intends to become a living legend by leading a farm team to glory and fame. His Walter Middy dream includes a headline that reads “Smutz Leads Bombers to Undefeated Season.”
Alas, the Bombers players include Arthur who loves to chase tiger Swallowtail butterflies in left field: Clarence who manages to wave to his mother from third base each time a ground ball passes by; and William who has a dandelion fetish and is usually blowing the parachute seeds into the air above right field. The only thing that interrupts his activity is an occasional fly ball and that goes unnoticed until the screams of Coach Smutz are finally heard. Larry, the catcher, simply cannot move under thee weight of his equipment and unless the ball is delivered in a zone 12 inches in width it simply goes past and must be retrieved by someone else. Larry did attempt to chase a ball once but he tripped over his chest protector which not only protects his chest but his entire body, including his feet.
Richard, the pitcher, has compiled a walk to strikeout ratio ratio of 26 to 1. during one 4th inning every spectator dozed-off except one; his mother.
The bomber’s record is 1-18-1 (the win was a forefit and the tie ended 46 to 46 as the game was called because of darkness).
As Smutz’s dreams evaporate he becomes more and more irrational. at first the kids are a little in awe and somewhat intimidated, but every performances loses it’s dramatic effect when repeated again and again. Soon the whistle falls on deaf ears and the players take bets on which inning their esteemed leader will e ejected; it soon becomes clear to the players who the victim is . Shmutzs blood pressure is up 18 points; canker sores form on his lips around the whistle; larengitis becomes a permanent condition he suffers a broken big toe from kicking the bat rack; a twitching appears over his right eye; and his diet consists of Maalox and Kaopectate.
Meanwhile, William is still blowing parachute seeds in right field ; Clarence is catching his mother’s eye and Arthur catches one to add to his collection; they obviously have their priorities in order.