When I started The Alpenhorn newspaper in Running Springs so many years ago I was so lucky to have my friend, Pete Shaw, write and send me a column for each paper. I never knew what he would write and sometimes it was funny and sometimes it was lovely and sentimental. Fortunately I have many of his stories so I am starting to print some of them. This one is hilarious (as so many were) so enjoy!
********MISS WADDLE’S CLASS********
“The scene is a 5th grade classroom. Johnny Sauer has been nominated for class treasurer and is being questioned by Priscilla (P), the class “brain and Miss Waddles “pet.”
P: We have some serious questions regarding your qualifications for the classroom position.”
J: “What did you say?
P: “We’re not sure you should be the treasurer.”
J: Why not?
P:“We are concerned about your character and integrity.”
J”What are they?”
P:”Character and integrity.”
J:”Character is good moral status or constitution.
P: Integrity is soundless of moral character.
J:”Have I got some of that stuff?”
P: “That’s what we’re attempting to find out.”
j: “Well,go ahead!”
P: Johnny Sauer, on August 4, did you take a sip from your mother’s wine cooler?”
J: Ya, but it was a really hot day and there was cold drips comin’ down the side of the bottle and it was berry flavor, an’it just looked so good. I mean,ya’ know it was just one sip.
P: On October 20 did you lick the foam off the top of your father’s beer can?
J:Ya, but we were wood cuttin’ and it was real hot an my dad just laughed. He wasn’t mad about it!”
P: “Jonny Sauer, did you trade one Yogi Berra baseball card for Willy Spinks whole card collection?
J:Yeh, what’s wrong with that?
J: Willy wanted that Yogi Berra card bad. Do you know who Yogi Berra is?
P: “That’s not important. Did you, on Halloween night 1988 kiss Mary Spooner on the lips?
J: “ya, but she had a Snow White mask on and she couldn’t even feel it.”
P: “It’s my understanding you weren’t even going steady and that you offered her a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup to go through with the act.”
J: “Ya, that’s right! She took it too even after I told her the deal was off after she kept her mask on.”
P: “Johnny Sauer, it is obvious to me that after reviewing your drinking habits, business dealings and relationships with girls that you are unqualified to hold the position of class treasurer. I shall report my findings to Miss Waddle and the entire student council.”
J: Wait a minute. How about the time you wrote rhododendrum on the palm of your hand to win the spelling bee an’ day you cheat in tetherball an’ everybody knows it. An’ you gossip so bad about your friends.
Yesterday when Miss Waddle walked past in class I heard you whisper to Nancy that she had a big …….. “Stop! This hearing’s is officially over!”